The following is an edited copy of an interaction that occurred via the email over a period of 8 months between Sharmaji and a woman who came to meditation one night while visiting Key West. The woman asks for Sharmaji’s guidance from a spiritual standpoint in dealing with her adopted teenage daughter. It’s a long read but very engaging and enlightening. We are publishing it with the hope that it will bring light to whoever reads it.

It certainly sounds like Anna is very fortunate to have parents like you and your husband. 

Sharmaji sends his love and blessings to you. You will be in his prayers. Love, mrdula

What the psychologist who tested Anna says is that Reactive Attachment Disorder is caused when the bond with the primary caretaker is broken or the caretaker abuses or neglects the child. The child then becomes frightened to attach again and, if the behaviors are left unchecked with no help, these are the children who grow up to be anti social people, who may be violent.

The treatment involves taking Anna out of school and re-parenting her through the years where she was not parented in a healthy way. We must be very strict and she has to earn every treat or privilege. It will take approximately one year. During that time I will be with Anna at all times except occasionally leaving her for respite with a trained professional who understands the therapy. Anna, my husband and I will go to therapy for two hours a week.

Could you please offer ways that we could help her? Any suggestions that you could make would be greatly appreciated. I remember with joy the meditation class I attended last year when we were in Key West. It was the most awe inspiring meditation I've ever experienced. Hope you continue to be in good health. You are in my daily meditation and prayers. Sincerely, Joan

 Of course, your therapy program should continue and what I can offer is an extra-care project. At the base of all of this is the absence of love. What the girls need is love, unqualified and unconditional, which I am sure you are giving them. You must be very "strict" if you have to, but that strictness must come from a space of love. By your behavior, expression, and treatment you have to impress on that girl, although you will give her all the love in the world, but she has to deserve it. It must not look like a give-and-take business-like arrangement. I mean your love should not look like a barter. "If she earns it then you give it" should not happen. The most important challenge for you is to make an inroad into the heart and mind of that girl. And with such sweetness that the girl should accept you in her heart and would not like you to leave. The base is communicability. You have to find the same "language" the girl speaks. Find a common space between you and her on which both of you may freely walk, talk, and feel comfortable. Whatever interest you think is predominant in her, which you think is harmless, I suggest, make it your own interest. The girl may fall in line with you and with your steps. Take her through a waking dream journey by narrating some story that appeals to her taste. The important thing is she must yearn for your company and should be afraid to lose the love and attention that you are giving her. That is the only threat you can use imperceptibly. A girl of that age is very tender, in spite of all the hardships she has endured. You are very right. Look at her sternly, handle her lovingly like a potter who slaps a pot from outside and softly sooths it out from inside. You can give a command smilingly, but still the girl should know from your looks that you mean business. And the girl can't take you for granted. All this can be achieved without being rough. All children have an understanding intuitively and they know when they have got to obey. 

 But, for me, you are more important than the girl. On the airplane, in an emergency, the mothers are advised to put the oxygen mask on their face first, then on the child. You must get connected to some source of spiritual oxygen to keep you completely filled with the energy and enthusiasm so you may function well in handling this stressful situation. I must suggest daily meditation. If you don’t have any time during the day, cut your sleeping time by 20 minutes and meditate before you go to sleep. 20 minutes of meditation is equal to 40 minutes of sleep. You received the preliminary instructions and experience in meditation when you were here. Do you remember Om Namah Shivaya? That is the one life-saving, magical mantra, the most powerful of all which comes to you through a very ancient lineage through me. Do you have any audio tapes or cd of Gurumayi chanting Om Namah Shivaya? Most likely not. If you want one, we will send it to you. In my very serious illness recently this mantra was played day and night for 15 days while I was in the hospital. Even when I was unconscious this mantra supported me and kept me alive. You can turn it on on low volume day and night if you like. It will create a soft but powerful vibrations which will give great spiritual strength to your heart and soul.

 I give you all the love of my heart. May God give you the strength to fulfill this great task that you have taken up for yourself. Love, Sharmaji

My family is Christian and, although I attended church regularly as a child and young adult, some of the teachings were those that I knew within me were untrue. When I was a child, the minister asked my mother to please ask me not to ask him so many questions in Sunday School s it was confusing to the other children.
My husband and I moved here from a city and we are pretty isolated. We moved here as we feel it is a better lifestyle for the children. Where we previously lived, there were others who believed as I do. Here, however, I'm pretty isolated so I guess I've become a bit dependent on you and Sharmaji.

Please forgive me if I have been too pushy or "poor me", I love hearing from you about all that Sharmaji is doing. We are still hoping to be in Key West next spring. Then I will be able to attend meditation class again. As I believe I've told you before I had the most amazing experience in meditation there that I've ever had.

My love and best wishes to you and Sharmaji. I hope he continues to be in good health. Joan

 I’m having problems, however, with Anna’s nine-year-old sister, Audrey, who has been with us since she was three months old. As you know, I lost a son, who was nineteen in an automobile accident in December, 1986. His name is Mark. I’ve had many moving experiences around Mark as we were almost exactly alike emotionally and spiritually.

When Audrey was an infant it seemed as though she had an invisible playmate with whom she laughed with and played. We used to laugh at her active imagination. One day, when she was older, she looked at Mark’s photograph and said “That’s Mark”. Of course, being only three or so, she didn’t enunciate it very well but well enough.

I kept a journal after Mark died and in one meditation, he came to me wearing his blue graduation gown and gave me a golden apple. When I took it from him it opened and wonderful movies of our time together wove through my fingers. I never told anyone about that experience as it was very personal.

Audrey came to me the other day and told me that Mark came to her in the night and gave her a gift for me. I asked what was the gift, and she replied “a golden apple”. I’ve never told her about that experience and no one else could have done so either.

My program with Anna is an all consuming experience. Two weeks ago I was so exhausted from it that I wasn’t taking proper care of myself. Is Sharmaji able to communicate with those who have died? Should I encourage Audrey in this or could it be harmful to her? 

Thank you again for the cd. Audrey, Mary and I are very calmed by it. Anna doesn’t like it but I think that’s because she was practicing witchcraft before and she’s afraid I’m trying to change her, which I am.:) The envelope which brought the cd was thrown away and I still do not have your address. Would you please send it to me as I have something to send you.

I hope you don’t mind my many questions and our family’s ups and downs. I try to meditate every day and have a wonderful screen room in our forest where I can go to be alone during Anna’s quiet time. Thank you so very much to you and Sharmaji. I hope his good health continues. With much love, Joan

 Audrey’s experience about the golden apple is very exciting and teasing. Isn’t it strange? There is no doubt in my mind that Mark’s spirit is contacting Audrey as it has contacted you. He is a very friendly spirit. He will only do good to you and everyone. The spirit has power. That is why he could create similar dreams for you and Audrey. We may try to communicate with him. Even without direct contact, I can assure you that no harm will ever come to you from him. You don’t have to encourage or discourage Audrey. Just show a joyful and healthy curiosity and reaction to her dream. Don’t mention your own dream. In that case you will start a chain of anticipation in her. 

 The golden apple is a very auspicious sign. It represents a divine heart. He gives the golden apple to both of you because he is manifesting his divinity. And from that stance he is giving blessings.

 Obviously the children are keeping you pretty busy. If you continue playing the Om Namah Shivaya cd without putting it up as a challenge to Anna, slowly it will sink into her. It is a very powerful, soothing divine name.

 I am happy that you are communicating with me regarding yourself and your family. I look forward to your letters. If I am not able to answer them promptly, please overlook my lapse. I fondly send you all my blessings and good wishes. May everything good happen to you. Love, Sharmaji

Anna's program is not going so well. She is having rages often and, when that occurs, she doesn't even look like herself. Her behavior is affecting Audrey a great deal and Audrey's behaviors are become dangerous for her safety. She rages and runs outside, sometimes in the road, and we are concerned that she could be hurt.
I'm pretty desperate as our family is floundering. One therapist wants us to put Anna in Residential Treatment to save Audrey. I feel that for Anna that would be the final rejection and she would not recover. I know that these children are supposed to be with us and I'll do anything to help them.

I wonder if part of Anna's rage could be carried over from past lives. If Sharmaji could perhaps help her the same basic way as the healing of the Catholic Church, I would be happy to fly to Key West with her. I have some old issues with the Catholic church as when I left an abusive marriage they took away my right to receive the sacraments of the church. 

I tried to return to The Catholic Church several years ago with a priest who was a personal friend of my husband's. He said that he could have my marriage annulled and they would take me back but I couldn't be a Catholic and believe in reincarnation. Unable to ever lie about my beliefs, I left again and have pursued my own faith.

Sorry to go on and on knowing how busy you are but I trust your judgment. I copied the picture of Sharmaji and have it up in my kitchen where I play the cd mantra. One of Audrey's friends asked her who he was and she said, "My Grandpa". I thought that was very cute as she is a very spiritual child as you know.
I hope you are both in the best of health and send all my love. Joan

Audrey, who was a very spiritual child, has become exactly like Anna was at her age. She fabricates, not just to avoid getting in trouble but just for the sake of fabricating. Both girls have a terrible attitude for both my husband and me. Audrey screams and swears at us and then Jay, who is only six years old, starts to cry.
 I have no idea what to do. The Child Psychiatrists I have spoken with will not prescribe the medication Anna evidently needs to level her moods. Now I am driving both girls to the Children's Hospital which is a two hour drive each way. The counselor who sees them there is a MSW and she has promised to see that the psychiatrist there will prescribe medication for them.

Audrey has accused Anna of molesting our little Jay and we are in the midst of a police investigation regarding that. I don't know if it's true or not, it's difficult to know as Audrey fabricates so often. I dislike medication for children but don't know what else to do.

I've met many other mothers of children, who have Reactive Attachment Disorder, on line and have developed some good friendships through that group. My story is mild compared to some of the other mothers' stories. Children have stabbed the mother, set fire to their home, smeared feces on the walls, urinated on their furniture and even in church on the pews. These are teenagers not toddlers.
All of the children I know of are adopted. Attachment Therapy is so new that unfortunately therapists in that field can charge any amount of money they wish. One of my friends was charged five hundred dollars for having the therapist and her husband come to dinner. My husband and I spent thousands of dollars for Anna’s therapy and it did no good at all.

I’m tempted to forget about therapists, medications, doctors, the entire conventional psychiatric community, and do what I believe would change the girls. I know that spiritually I am being protected. Sometimes when I lie in bed at night I can hear voices harmonizing, without lyrics, just beautiful voices. I believe that is God assuring me that I am safe.

Please, would you take my dilemma under advisement and offer any suggestions you can. My husband has threatened to leave. He is a wonderful and kind person but he can’t bear to live with the stress that is in our home. I will not leave as they are my children and I have committed to them and will see it through.

If I brought one or both of the girls to Key West, do you think that the spiritual Community there could heal them? I met such wonderful people while visiting there and have longed to return to the warm safety I found there. I have taken enough of your time. I hope this finds you well and send my love to you and Mrdula.
With love and blessings, J

 After reading your letter, I am convinced that spiritually you have earned endless merit. But if things are allowed to go on as they are, you will find yourself over the edge very soon. Whatever I write now will be very honest and a practical assessment of this situation. On the one hand I appreciate you personally but the assessment has to be impersonal or it is not honest. Many things I will say which you may not like. But you have not seen the forest; you are seeing only the tree in front of you. And also, you cannot find your way out of this forest because you are "in" it. So let me take you to the top of a hill and there you can see what you are heading towards. 

 In my life I have never met anyone who can be so centered and focused on helping another individual whom one has chosen to adopt as a responsibility, but everything has a limit. And your enthusiasm to help Anna "at all costs" raises some questions. These are the questions:

1. You have not defined in your mind up to what degree you are going to sacrifice your life for Anna. Your husband wants to "leave", I don't find anything wrong with it. He has his life and he doesn't want to sacrifice it for Anna. Of course you cannot leave the situation which you have created. You have to intelligently find a solution to it and see your way out of it. 

2. Did it ever occur to you that you are partial to Anna? I wholely appreciate your love for her, but am appalled that you want to sacrifice your other 2 children for her. Did you adopt Audrey and Jay to sacrifice their lives for Anna? In fact, you have no right to do it. Why are you not thinking of them? If you have not given a thought to it, I suggest you sit down now and know that you are not being just and fair. You are attached to Anna and whatever you are doing for her, is not one hundred percent with a sense of duty, but also because of attachment and a self-created sense of responsibility for her karma. You will say it is not karma but her fate what she is. But it is her karma that has created this fate and everyone has to pay the price for it. 

3. We should love all beings and should not take the karma of any being, unless there are some very very special circumstances. Those circumstances are not there in your case. Affection, attachment, an excessive sense of duty, or an unknown desire to become a martyr makes us over leap the boundaries of propriety. In such a psychological state we are likely to lose balance, fairness, discrimination, and far-sightedness. Since you are "in" the forest, you can't possibly be far-sighted because the trees blocks your view. Anna evidently has a heavy debt to pay. A part of it you can afford to pay yourself as you are doing. But you can’t afford to pay, nor should you desire to pay the entire karmic debt that she owes to herself. We must never try to take the cross away from the one who carries it. We can of course offer food and drink to that person. To take that cross away is to take the karma away and God has not destined it that way. The soul has to realize it why it has to go through all this. Think of Audrey and Jay and temporarily forget about Anna if you can possibly do it. If you look only at their lives, you will realize they might have been better in another home. In spite of the fact that I am aware of what you have done for them, I say it. It is like a person who wants to do some fire ceremony to help others and burns his own hands and the house of those whom he is helping. In fact we have no moral right to sacrifice those two innocent children on the altar of Anna. 

4. What is the conclusion? The only thing I see is don’t let them live together. That which is almost lost, don’t try to save it at the cost of that which you can save. Although it may already be too late for Jay and Audrey, but give them the same dedication which you have given to Anna. When the thought occurs to you that she should be admitted to some institution, you say she will suffer from rejection. Maybe that is her cross. Let her carry it. Joan, there are some things you cannot do. Give God a chance.

 My sincere advice is as soon as you can do it, put Anna in some institution. Thereby you will be able to look after her better and save your own home, family and children.

All my love,
With best wishes,
I am yours and always ready,
call on me again,
Sharmaji

Having looked into Residential Facilities for Anna, they are, for us, cost prohibitive. It would mean sacrificing everything economically and would preclude any recreational activities, or time with Mom for our other children. I would have to return to work full-time to pay for Residential Treatment.

Anna is being transferred to a new school on Monday. If she fails to follow the rules there, then she will be sent to a Residential Facility and the School District will pay for it. My husband and I both stressed that we don’t want to pass our responsibility on to others but we were told that they receive Federal Aid to compensate them and that we pay taxes that indirectly pay for Ash’s Treatment.
Unfortunately parents of children who have Reactive Attachment Disorder are desperate. We seek Attachment Therapists when we are overtired, stressed, anxious and seeing no hope. What the Therapists do is to put all the responsibility for the child on the parent and if the child starts to fail it’s because the parent isn’t giving enough. It’s not right and I couldn’t see it until you took me to the hilltop. Now I have freed, through your words, another parent like me.

 When I first read your e-mail I didn’t understand what you were saying but, as I did, it freed me. Audrey, Jay and Mary seem happier this week and that’s because of your words. I’m not responsible for another’s karma. I realized that my son, Mark, who was killed in the automobile accident, was not killed because I failed him in any way. I’ve kept that thought buried and shared it with no one but you freed me from that as well.

 I think that I somehow got the idea that if I failed Anna she too, would die and I would be responsible. It’s awesome how thoughts can get somehow stuck deeply inside and we don’t realize they are there.

 Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. You have no doubt saved the others in my family as well as freeing me. I appreciate your honesty and send you al my love and blessings. With all my love, Joan

 I too, have a child with reactive attachment disorder.  My family (a husband and 3 sons) have spent the last year in attachment therapy trying to help our middle child.  We have seen tremendous improvement in his bazaar behaviors, but his social skills still are woefully lacking.  During attachment therapy we were told to not let our child make any decisions, to physically hold him when he rages to keep him safe, keep his world very structured and offer inane consequences when he rebels. 

 Although this therapy did work initially he still is extremely verbally abusive (which is allowed in attachment therapy – as we were told he has stored rage and must vent it out) to everyone in the family.  He also will not attempt to entertain himself – looking to us to fill his days with excitement and entertainment.  He exists yet does not live.  He is 12 years old, has a genius IQ, yet will not bathe or brush his teeth.  He hurts other children if he is not supervised.  He takes no responsibility in his actions and shows no remorse when he hurts others.  His total demeanor is “I was hurt 8 years ago – so I will hurt others – they deserve it”.

 A year of our time spent trying so hard to change this person who only sees bad things, he refuses to find joy.  He usually will act out during joyful times to cause pain for all others in the area.  He sees himself as a victim, and yes the first four years of his life were difficult, the last eight years of his life have been spent with loving and attentive parents.

 As for the remaining four people in this family, our lives have been “on hold”.  Our 12 year olds behavior and needs come before all others. 

 Is this my cross to carry?  Should years of my life be spent trying to change a child who refuses to change?  Should my days be spent being called names and having my things destroyed by this child?  Should a twelve year old child be able to take some responsibility for his own behavior?  How long should one be allowed to use excuses for not growing?

 I have changed therapist for my son,  one that puts the responsibility of behavior back onto my son.  He is struggling with this.  I see him in pain, but feel he must work through these issues and move forward.  Am I giving up on him by letting him deal with his own actions.  I do not want to cause him any harm, but I also want my entire family to find some peace.

 Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 God’s Blessings!
Tony, Cathy, Mark, Ron & Bill

Our entire approach to life is emotional, but the understanding of life or a situation never comes through emotion. And our basic approach is emotion. Secondly, we have a certain idea about love and think it is predominately emotion. Third, we have a certain approach to anger or sex, etc. and think they should never be suppressed, repressed or restrained. 

Emotion is not a good judge. In fact, there cannot be a worse judge than emotion. Imagine a judge sitting in his or her chair taken over by emotional feeling towards a defendant. What kind of judgment can he or she give? Therefore, at the very start allow me to shock you by saying love is not an emotion. What we have been doing all our life when we think we are giving love, maybe we are not, maybe we are giving something else. The proof is this. Whatever we do for the loved one is more for our satisfaction than for the good of the person. We put our emotional energy into the whole situation, like putting lots of money in a bag and not seeing if it has any holes in the bottom. We wonder where all our love is going. Is it not true? No therapy in the world can help a child but the therapy of “true love.” And no word is more misunderstood or misinterpreted than the word “love.” Love is not an emotion. Emotion rises and falls, changes under different conditions, becomes more or less over a period of time. Love stays at the same mark forever.

What frequently is thought of as love is actually pampering. In pampering we look at the object of our love with great pity. We want to go all the way to help that person because we feel so good about it. We are doing something for someone. We have sacrificed so much for someone we love. Oh God, we can’t do more than that. But stop for a minute. Think whether the energy you are spending is reaching the person you love? It is like putting money in a torn bag. 

Love is not a merchant. Love is not an investment that you expect dividends. You give it away because it doesn’t belong to you; it belongs to God only to be given away without expectation of any result because that is how God loves us.

Love is our nature. The nature of the sun is to give sunlight. What does it get in return? What can we give it in return? It falls on roses and garbage alike. That is love. Love is never blind. Pampering is blind. In pampering we expect something, the satisfaction of giving. If you cut emotion away from your whole approach towards your son, you can solve your problem in no time. 

You say that your son verbally abuses everyone in the family and the attachment therapy allows it on the ground that he has stored rage and must vent it out. In such a case the pertinent question the therapist should answer is, “How much rage is there in storage? Is there any end to it?” The therapist should be aware how harmful this therapy is. You allow one sick child all the freedom in the world to destroy the mental health, peace, and tranquility of all the people around him. What kind of justice is this? The theory that anger should be vented freely and unscrupulously has been proved to be ineffective. The emotional well has no bottom. There is no end to anger, to greed, to hatred, to envy, etc. They feed themselves the more they are expressed. Each expression is like oil in fire.

In our culture we have forgotten the word “control.” In control we do not suppress anything. We restrain it, then direct it to a proper channel. That is exactly what we have to do in sex, anger, greed, etc. We have to help the boy in controlling his anger, then dissipating it in jokes and laughter.

So now let us look at the situation without any emotion but with the eyes of love. Your son is very bright; he is highly intelligent. And we should respect him for that. If we look at him as a very intelligent boy, how can he be ignorant of what he is doing? Is it not ridiculous to assume that he doesn’t know anything such as scratching his back or brushing his teeth? I don’t believe it. If he is knowingly doing these things, then our whole approach to him will change. He is gripped with the psychology of being a victim. A wounded lioness is very dangerous. Now we have to make this feeling of being a victim leave him. How do we do that? If we go on supporting the role he is playing, which we have been doing, his stand as a victim is validated. We are giving him a certificate, “You are a very good victim; go on playing the role.” That is why attachment therapy fails. By emotional love we spoil the person we are helping. For immediate profit of some satisfaction that we are helping we lose our farsightedness. In the long run it doesn’t help. Emotion is always short-sighted. I believe you really love that boy. And if so, you will approve of some things and not approve of other things. If anyone gets free permission to do anything one likes, one certainly will go down. There are brakes to be used.

The boy has gone through a terrible trauma. He is like a child who has injured his leg and is crying. We feel bad for him, but there is no time to cry. We take him to a physical therapist. He doesn’t cry. He tells the child, “Try to stand up.” The child says, “I can’t. My feet don’t help me.” The therapist says, “Okay we will work together and we will learn how to stand up.” The therapy does not consist in lavishing love on the child because the real love takes the form of therapy. It is tough and hard on the boy. You bear with the therapist knowing he is helping the child. The therapist wants to make the child forget that he is a victim of a trauma and this is the crucial point. We have not been able to make him forget that he has gone through a trauma. By sympathizing with him too much we have been validating and feeding that feeling of being a victim in him. He doesn’t want to take responsibility for himself because he knows at a certain level that he might lose that sympathy. We have to assure him in some way that that is not going to happen. He will always have your love even when you set limits. 

To save the child, mother has to play the role of therapist. You have to put him back on his feet of future manhood and instill in him indifference to pain and fearlessness and a sense of pride in himself. The best approach is to be very, very lighthearted with him. Bathe him in the joy of your love because you are the sun giving sunlight. When he starts playing the role of a victim turn away and tell him, laughingly, “Come on you can do better than that. You are a very bright and brave boy. How can you be caught by a stupid memory of childhood. You are more than that.” Let your words, your look, your entire behavior reflect that optimism and joy. Don’t lose it. Thus you will change the mind of the boy from darkness to light. Tell him very lovingly, “You have wasted so much time remembering your past pain. The past is dead, my boy. You have exceptional intelligence; you know very well it is sheer stupidity to go on thinking of the past. It is dead. Such a bright boy will not live in a graveyard any more. You are destined to do great things on earth and be happy.” Joy is the first ingredient for a healthy life. Give him joy and the hope of leading a joyful life. Make plans for his future. Ask him what he is interested in. What does he want to become? Wake him up. If he does not come around easily, do not be disappointed at all. Go on giving him what is your nature. Do not expect dividends; love is not a merchant.

Lots and lots of love to you, Tony, Mark, Ron & Bill. 
Sharmaji